How much do you like coffee?


Jeff Lund
For Caffeine and Kilos

Before I knew any better, coffee cake sounded disgusting because coffee was disgusting. Why ruin something so good by making it taste like, or out of, coffee?

Then I learned. I learned that coffee is good and caffeine is good even, if it’s not coffee itself.

Coffee-flavored foods are not necessarily foods with caffeine, but they can be as caffeine does not cook out of food like alcohol does. This of course makes sense because how else would an energy or coffee bar be a caffeine source?

Coffee-flavored stuff can be weird because lots of people drown coffee in sugar or sweeteners. So, a coffee-flavored candy is more like a mocha or other coffee drink flavored candy.

Anyway, coffee-inspired food is everywhere. I’ve had coffee-flavored candycoffee-favored desserts (go Canada) and of course coffee energy bars but I was curious about what else was out there.

Coffee Milk

When I first discovered coffee milk I thought latte, or a marketing ploy to make it sound healthy, but it’s actually legit and apparently if you are in Rhode Island, it’s a normal thing. There are no beans, and a maker is not necessary, you just pour the coffee syrup into a mason jar and add milk. I’m not sure the mason jar is necessary, but it seems the most appropriate receptacle for this type of beverage.

Try-ability: 9/10

Coffee Jelly

I had to know this existed though I hadn’t seen it. There are always people willing to see what things would taste like (see tide pods, no link because I refuse to support it through clicks). The thing about a jelly or jam is that it goes best with breakfast foods, which of course go well with a cup of actual coffee. Dipping a piece of coffee cake that is sweet first and has a hint of coffee into actual coffee might be acceptable, but toast, coffee jelly and coffee coffee? Not so sure.

Try-ability: 2/10

Note: I would try all of these without question, the ranking is just how likely I am to go out of my way to try it.

Coffee Bacon

Duh. It’s the natural marriage of two of the most “try it with…” ingredients.

Try-ability: 10/10, maybe even 11/10 when my next round of PR blend arrives in the mail.

Then I went the other way and wondered what weird flavors were infused into coffee. It makes sense to take something and add a hint of coffee, but outside of sweeteners, milks etc, what do you add to coffee in an attempt to improve it?

Chocolate Banana Coffee

This is what you add. You add chocolate and banana flavors. There is no way that this would replace my morning brew, but I might totally like a few cups.

Try-ability: 10/10

Apple Pie Coffee

It’s not really surprising that a well-known coffee maker would tweak flavors and I guess apple pie is as good as any, but it still doesn’t sound appealing. Sure, you might have a cup of coffee with a piece of pie, but I want them to complement each other, not be pre-mixed.

Try-ability: 3/10

Spicy Taco Coffee

Why? Why do humans need a “pleasant mix of taco spices and a hearty meaty flavor”? Hearty. Meaty. Flavor. I really have to try this. I don’t want to, I have to, even though there is a 0% chance I would like it. Best case scenario is a – “It’s not as bad as it sounds” reaction.

Try-ability: 2/10

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