Digital relationships

(SitNews) Ketchikan, Alaska – Group texts are ridiculous. They drain data more efficiently than the government spends taxes.
If we went back to 2001, when a single text message out of your coverage area was more expensive than a gallon of gas, text addicts would have to sell their vehicles to afford modern conversation.
When you re-enter the world after a day or two in the mountains or on the water, the phone cries out, desperately pawing the landscape for a signal, and when it succeeds, your phone nearly climbs out of your pocket. “Welcome back!! You have so much to read!!!” it chimes or vibrates with the endless enthusiasm of a puppy.
To catch up is impossible. You scroll and scroll but only get a vague idea of what went on, but understand that your digital relationships, like the rest of the world, is more or less just how you left it.
You know, I rarely text anyone if it’s not in a group text. That kinda makes me sound paranoid, like I need a witness to everything I thumb.
Of my last eight message threads, six are from groups. Of the two that aren’t, one is from my mom and the other is my buddy Troy in California, who sent a photo of the salmon burgers he was making in response to the photo of Will Farrell as Jackie Moon I sent him.
At some point someone names the group text to help with clarity, but it’s more about seizing the opportunity to be funny, creative or match the group of people with an all-encompassing word.
I have a “Squad” and a “Squad” with two emojis. I had to tweak one of the squad names so I wouldn’t get them confused. Sure one had two emojis, but it was still too close.
One group is named “Sewing Circle.” Ironic because it’s not at all applicable. Not even metaphorically. I didn’t name it.
There’s a group of University of Arizona college buddies name “Zona” where everything Wildcat athletics is discussed.
There is the high school basketball forum with my coaching buddies from California and there is an unnamed group of English teachers in California. That one, of course, is primarily about fishing, but the other day, this thesis was proposed: “Achilles was the LeBron of the Trojan War. A high maintenance, whiney superstar.”
Sounds legit in my, I-can’t-do-anything-better-than-either-of-them eyes.
I was temped to respond with an indication of laughter, but I never LOL. I much prefer the “hahahahahaha” because it takes more effort and means I am actually laughing. A, “haha” means that was funny but my reaction likely stopped at a smile. No LOL. Because I probably didn’t, so I’m not going to type it.
Anyway, maybe worse than halfing my data in half the billing cycle is that I have likely ruined the sanctity of group text by talking about group text and new circles are now forming without me. =(

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