Shrinking yourself

I kinda feel like whining. Normally I can shrug off most of the inconsequential things that life feeds me but I’ve got three things right now that are eating at me. It’s pretty serious – well, not really. I usually just talk myself through it.
(Recline onto couch. Session begins)
So what’s bothering you?
I liked having a beard. I liked growing it for months, scratching it frequently, washing it occasionally, but the long beard has become hip and now lines chins across the country.
And how does that make you feel?
A beard that hasn’t been scratched by scaly hands, salted by fingers dipped in the ocean, cluttered by brush or otherwise subjected to the elements is just facial hair. What’s the difference? You don’t call an orchard a forest.
I see. 
I’m not even a manly Alaskan. I’ve always considered myself junior varsity at best. My beards don’t compare to the epic sourdough scruff that’s growing from the mandibles of some of the outdoorsmen in this state.
I used to grow a beard during the summer because I was too busy to get around to trimming it. But now, I just want to keep it short or shave altogether so I don’t look like I’m joining the fad of GQ loggers who have never even cut kindling.
Hmmm. Very interesting. What’s next?
I hate presidential elections. Well, I like them in the sense that we get to have them, and vote in them, and we don’t move from one dictator to another, but the show we’ve turned it into is annoying. If we are so against, and so distrusting of politicians, why do we trust them so much?
Do you have trust issues?
No more than politicians have truth issues.
Do you have a hard time believing their plans and positions?
Yes. I rarely believe what they have to say, especially if they’ve been in Washington, D.C. for more than one term. Even “Hello” makes me suspicious. Of course candidates are going to have incredible sound bites to share. Duh. It’s their job to tell us what we want to hear.
So how are you going to decide how to vote?
Facebook cartoons.
Hmmm. Do you think that’s a responsible way to vote?
Of course. Why spend all that time researching stuff for myself when someone else has figured it out for me and has reduced complex things into easily consumable, visually pleasing caricatures?
Sarcasm isn’t going to help.  
You know, I think I really just need to get out fishing. It’s been over a month. The last time I went out, I was teaching a friend, which was great, but I really need that time on the water. I need that cathartic afternoon on the river. You know?
Is that why you are stressed out?
Yeah. Probably. I don’t really think I’m stressed out, though. Wanting to shave my beard and being tired of election season already isn’t exactly a laundry list of complaints.
You did also mention you hadn’t fished in a month. 
Don’t remind me.
Would you trust a politician more if he or she fished?
Wow, that’s a lot of lying and embellishing. I don’t think a human would be capable of that distorting that much reality.
Are you saying you are loose with the truth when you fish?
I have no recollection.

See column at:
http://www.capitalcityweekly.com/stories/102115/out_1261632513.shtml

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