Why I’d make a terrible Martian

(SitNews) Ketchikan, Alaska – So I’m reading The Martian and can’t decide how many sols I’d make it. I don’t even bother wondering if I’d survive long enough be rescued, just how many days I’d last.
Chances are I wouldn’t make it any sols because if I were one of mankind’s elite in the areas of engineering, botany, the medical field or navigation, we’d be in serious trouble. If I represented the epitome of anything, earth would be doomed.
All that aside, if we were to pretend that for some reason I was invited to NASA for astronaut tryouts…no. No way. I wouldn’t even be there. One of my quotes to live by is, “If you’re not ninja trained, you shouldn’t attempt ninja things.”
That applies to everything from cooking to space travel.
But okay, for the sake of this column, let’s pretend I somehow got on NASA’s radar and made the travel team. The anticipation of the launch alone would do me in. I can’t sit in the same place for long. That’s why I’m horrible in a kayak. That, and I’m the dude who rolls trying to get in. If I do get seated and out into the water, I get all tight and stiff. I feel like I’m going to flip and my legs feel like they’re going to pass out if I don’t move, stretch or otherwise relieve them from inactivity. Goodbye to all enjoyment.
This summer, a friend suggested a kayak trip. It sounded fun, but I had to admit my inability to function well in a kayak. It felt only slightly less ridiculous than when Derek Zoolander confessed he couldn’t turn left. The waves would surely work together with sea animals so that when I tip I would be devoured by man-eating seals and otters. So if I can’t handle a kayak there’s no way I could even think about being strapped into a seat and shot into space.

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